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Friday, October 14, 2011

Facebook Stereotypes

These are some common traits of online personalities. If you find a description of yourself on this list, I'm sure you'll just take it as a joke. Right?

OCD Updater
This person MUST let the world know what they are doing every moment. Working out at the gym > driving home from gym > showering > preparing dinner > picking nose > watching CSI > brushing teeth > sleeping > still sleeping > getting ready for work > at work > discussing with co-workers whether Watson or Crick made the greater contribution to DNA studies > going to lunch > buying stamps at post office > back at work > picking up kids > ARGH!

Pity Party
This friend always has some horrible thing happening. For a typical person, any one of these things would elicit well-wishes from friends and family. But something bad happens in this person's life EVERY DAY. A typical week:
Monday: Mom having surgery
Tuesday: Taking little Murray to doctor for bronchitis
Wednesday: Mittens hit by truck
Thursday: Brother knifed in bar fight
Friday: Roof leaking
Saturday: Car broke down
Sunday: Spouse leaving my pathetic ass

Serial Dater
Soanso is single. Soandso is in a relationship. Soandso says it's complicated. Soandso is single. Tell this friend that if you have to update your relationship status more than once every three months, maybe you should just leave it off your profile for now. After two dates, you are not necessarily "in a relationship". Just leave it as "single" and keep them all guessing until you shack up or get engaged. And do not, I repeat DO NOT, friend the friends of your current interest until you've at least met the parents of said interest.

Contest Addict
You are not going to win anything. Ever. No Macbook Pro, no i- or e- prefixed technology. Just stop.

Fisherman
“Sigh. FML. OMG, not again.” Any of these statements are popular with the fisherman. The goal of this person is to get attention that their generally boring lives can’t supply. A vague status update forces people to ask questions. “Why is Nancy so sad?” or “What’s happened, Leonard?” Then, they reel you in a little at a time. Sparse details are supplied each time they post until you end up at some mundane result. “Oh, I just couldn’t find my car keys. Got ‘em now!”

The Joiner/Liker
It's fun and easy to like things. But consider the amazing variety of products, programs and simple household items that have dedicated fan pages. If you like a dozen items in one of these categories, it says something about you. For instance, Janice likes ER, Grey's Anatomy and Chicago Hope. One might suspect Janice is a fan of medical drama programs. But then consider Pete. He likes those programs too, but also Bones, Fringe, Friends, American Idol, Nova, Dancing With the Stars, SNL and Blue's Clues and 16 other random shows. It says something, but mostly just that Pete is not very discriminating.

App Junkie
Farms, Mobs, Fish Tanks, Zoos, Restaurants, Vampires, Pirates... It's a list that keeps growing and this friend keeps playing. The first two or three apps just take a few minutes a day to play, so where's the harm? The harm is these games can be addictive. The easily achievable goals just feel good. Most people know when to quit, but some begin to ignore their real life obligations in favor of their farms.

Special Friends
You just want to pat this gullible buddy on the head. No matter how many times you remind them of the reasons why Facebook is not going to charge for it's services or explain that there is no way to know who is viewing your profile, these people will continue to join the latest group that references these activities and many more. These precious little dears are just too trusting and no skepticism is powerful enough to overcome their naivete.

Are we still friends?