The Art of Choosing A Bathroom Stall

Do you think deeply about selecting a bathroom stall? Chance are, no. Yet for a few moments every day, it's right there at the top of your priorities. Either consciously or not, we all follow certain unwritten rules during this process.

Disabled Access
Generally, the handicapped stall is left open unless a disability is present. This stall is reserved out of respect for the disadvantages of disabled, injured or very large people. This rule is suspended in extreme circumstances to be detailed further on.

Pretty!

Proximity
Proximity rules change based on the current population of the room. A full house cancels out all choice. The rule of thumb is to select a stall that is not adjacent to a currently occupied stall. There are endless variations, many of which are effective for urinals as well as stalls.

Examples:
A. A four-stall bathroom with stall 1 occupied and stall 4 with handicapped access indicates entering stall 3.
B. A six-stall bathroom with stall 1 full and stall 6 handicapped indicates selection of 3 or 4.
C. A four-stall bathroom with stall 2 occupied and stall 4 handicapped still indicates a choice of stall 1 or 2, leaving the 4 open for the disadvantaged.

Expected Result
Entering a bathroom knowing you have a lot of "business" to do negates the usual respect attributed to handicapped access. Go all the way to end of the row. Choose the handicapped stall or the one right next to it. Odor will still be apparent, but possibly to a lesser degree. Your efforts to limit collateral damage will be appreciated.

Lack of Equipment
Just move on if paper is missing. It will not do to take an inordinate amount of time to select the next stall, so just go to next available, ignoring proximity. Helpful tip: At a concert (especially outdoor), the first time you go, paper will be plentiful. Take enough for two extra trips and shove it in your pocket. Things can get dicey later.

There's probably a phobia named after this.

Cleanliness
A dirty stall cancels out almost everything above. If a cursory glance indicates a soiled seat or if there is "unfinished business" lying around, move on quickly. Make exceptions for paper on the floor or in the bowl if it is clean.

Need for Speed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. When you just have to go NOW, abandon all above rules. If at all possible, choose someplace clean. You can always beg your neighbors for paper if that issue comes up.

Gender Differences
I would be remiss for not noting this is written from a female point of view. Men don't often have the luxury of stalls. I'm sure they still appreciate the unwritten rules of bathroom use. In fact, I'm told they have a special rule that women are not usually aware of. They have to maintain exactly the correct eye contact and direction of gaze. This is not a situation in which to smile or intitiate casual conversation. Save the talk for the sink. And please wash your hands while you're there.

Facebook Stereotypes II

My previous post about stereotypical FB behavior was my popular blog ever. So, in the interest of selling out, I now provide a sequel. Several of these new types were ideas of other people. You are know who you are (Kim).

Dumb Question
The question feature seems interesting at first. But then you receive your first "I'm cleaning out my friends list. Answer yes if you want to stay on it" poll. How about you go ahead and "unfriend" me if you want and I'll go ahead and not care? One less friend who thinks I need to answer a poll about staying friends won't hurt me.

A Call To Prayer
I'll admit the praying folks are well-meaning. But I've literally seen requests to pray someone finds their car keys. Really? Unless you're looking for them to jump in the car and escape an advancing tornado, let your god sit this one out.

Please make people read this blog.

Youtube Boob
Sharing videos, pictures and smart-ass comments is what FB is all about. That said, we all know at least one video overposter. I WILL hide your ass after the sixth Nickelback video pops up in news feed. This is how you remind me to no longer pay attention to you.

Lyricist
That's a really clever and poetic observation on life you came up with there and.....HEY! That's from an Eagles song. It must have taken a huge amount of energy to type out that profound influence on your current life situation. Yet perhaps you should have gone one step further and done a web search first. You might then know that it's "trying to live my life without you" and not, "trying to live my life without shoes."

Captain Obvious
“It’s Hump Day!” Oh, thank you so much for the breaking news. I would never have guessed it was the middle of the work week all on my own. Please also tell me when it’s time to TGIF. I certainly wouldn’t want to forget that!

Foodie
A lot of people really like food. Most of us use it to fuel our bodies and keep the bulge of our muffin top in prime condition. Then there those that suddenly morph into Guy Fieri. They tell us all about their meal plus take a picture. I’ll tell you one thing a picture of food does for me. It explains to me why marketing teams all use FAKE food for pictures and commercials.

He's inside us all.

Subverter
Do not hesitate to delete the post of a subverter. These are people that hijack your status for their own sinister purposes. You start with a casual invitation: “Hey, everyone! A group of us will be at Taco Mac tonight to watch the game. Come on out and have some fun!” Almost immediately, Jenny Harris posts she can’t come because of her minor dental surgery that afternoon and leaves a paragraph of the bloody details and how horrible she feels. Now no one is reading your post because they are all saying “poor poor Jenny” and leaving details of their own recent dental procedures. Hey, Jenny….delete!

The Offended
These people always get my attention for a minute. They are really mad at someone. I don’t know who, but I spend precious moments of my life wondering if it’s me. Think. Think. What could I have done to inspire a friend to say “I wish some people would just grow up!”? I guess the easy answer is I wrote this blog post. But looking at my low readership numbers, probably not. Chances are it was someone else, but the Offended should beware. They leave the door wide open for misinterpretation and the creation of second generation Offended.