Tuesday, December 28, 2010


My brain is a rock tumbler. There's a bunch of thoughts rolling around. Sometimes they connect and polish each other. Most days I peer in and think, "Hm, needs more work."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


There is the germ of a good idea in every bad one.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Granny Panties

This is another repost from an old Facebook note. Why? Because I am lazy and new material takes at least some effort.

This is a true story. Any inaccuracies may be blamed solely on faulty memory.

Summers at Rushford Lake were one of the best parts of being a kid in the Kemp family. In the early eighties, my younger brother Jeff and I would often spend a week with our grandparents at the waterfront cottage they owned.

The days were long and there was always something to do. We'd swim until we were wrinkly, imagining we could cross the whole lake. Next, a boat ride with Grandpa, where he'd pretend to run out of gas. We learned to waterski, light fireworks and take a bath in the lake. We hunted crayfish and collected interesting rocks. There were all sorts of visitors at our dock. The most exciting was when we saw Aunt Lil and Uncle Art's pontoon boat on its slow approach.

In the middle of the week, we'd all take a short trip back to our grandparents full-time house in Williamsville. There was no washer or dryer at the lake and there were always other small tasks to attend to. Grandma would wash all the clothes and fold them back into our suitcases. Then we'd head back to the lake for a few more days.

Once upon one of these fun summers, my brother and I returned home as usual, grins on our faces and sunburns on our shoulders. We could still feel the rocking of the boat if we closed our eyes. Mom asked if there were rocks in our suitcases. Of course there were, but only the most interesting ones I could find.

I'm sure when mom opened our bags that she was grateful that grandma helped with the laundry. She removed the dirty clothes for washing then moved to the more neatly folded clean articles. There were shirts for Jeff's drawer, a pair of shorts for mine, then....

Mom lifted an item of clothing totally alien to us all. As it rose, the white cotton square became slightly unfolded. We all stared, wondering what this was. It certainly didn't belong to my brother or myself. Mom unfolded it again, then again. As the exponential expansion ended, we realized exactly what we were faced with. GRANNY PANTIES!

Someone snickered. It may have been me. All three of us dissolved into giggles. A wicked gleam came into Mom's eyes and as Jeff and I stood unsuspecting, she suddenly brought the underwear down over his head!

I learned that day what screaming and laughing at the same time feels like as Jeff hurriedly removed the offending garment and tried to place on my head. I ran one way as Mom ran the other. It was, however, inevitable that each of us would suffer the ignominious fate of wearing Grandma's panties on our head. For the better part of an hour, alliances were forged and broken repeatedly as we ran through the house laughing so hard we almost cried. Eventually, the mission devolved into simply throwing the panties at each other until we all collapsed.

I'm not sure what happened to those panties, but I know three people who will never forget them.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Have you ever noticed that you often see one shoe in the road? I always wonder how it got there. What happened to the other? It eases my mind to see two. It just makes so much more sense than losing a single shoe.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Women in the Bathroom

A note I wrote two years ago came up in conversation today with a friend of mine. I decided to repost to this blog. Coincidentally, I checked the publish date and it was EXACTLY two years ago today: 11/03/2008. It is my fervent belief it is just as relevant today as it was then. Full text below...

Guys, stop reading right here. You don’t want to continue. Trust me.

Ladies, I’ll be blunt. Stop peeing on the seats in the bathroom. This goes for sporting events, restaurants, work or anywhere you might use a public restroom.

There ought to be special “hover only” stalls for you poor creatures that are so afraid of germs that you can’t comfortably sit on a toilet seat. I haven’t much sympathy for your fears since you are the ones also making it impossible for “sitters” to be comfortable. Face it, your aim is terrible, especially after a couple of drinks. Sometimes you even hit the floor adding another hazard to the whole experience.

Picture a poor inebriated “sitter” desparate to relieve herself. The only stall available has just been used by an equally inebriated “hoverer”. The hovering woman has splashed on the seat and the floor, but the sitter is in dire straits and can’t wait to go. She tries to follow the hoverers example, positioning herself carefully, then halfway through the maneuver slips on the floor splash, comes crashing down on the seat and is not only wet with your leavings, but possibly bruised as well. For shame, hoverer. Look what you’ve done.

Consider that your telephone at work, any doorknobs you touch and the person’s hand you last shook were probably all carrying more germs than a toilet seat. And how many of you have had unprotected “relations”? Yet you can’t sit on a relatively clean surface for thirty seconds?

Listen, if you absolutely will not sit on the seat, just use a seat cover. Don’t be so selfish. There is no reason to make a bathroom stall that unusable.

Friday, October 29, 2010


Overheard in a hair salon:

Life is for living and hair is for dyeing.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Lesser of Two Evils & Voting

I refuse to choose the lesser of two evils any longer.

It sounds like a grand statement, but technically I’m only expanding my selection to the lesser of three or four evils. The evils I speak of are our political candidates.

Though our republic is in dire straits this year, I will not bend to the practice voting Republican simply to remove the supermajority of Democrats in our Congress. Granted, I live in a traditionally “red” state, so Republicans are likely to be elected anyway. I testify, however, that my choices will not contribute to the lumbering machine we call our government. No matter what candidates are chosen by my fellow voters, I will be able to proudly proclaim I voted strictly on issues this year.

I don’t care which candidate had an affair or which smoked weed in college (or yesterday even). I only care that our political machine gets downsized and my freedom is preserved. I will vote to keep liberals out of my pocket and conservatives out of my bedroom.

I realize not everyone wants to take the time to research candidates, especially for tiny little offices that have little effect on our day-to-day lives. But if you haven’t even read your intended candidate’s web site, please don’t vote. You really have no idea what you’re doing. Even if I disagree with your vote, I encourage you to use your single power of governing our nation to make your stand as long as you know exactly what you are doing.

For instance, I completely disagree with socialists on every issue that comes to mind. But if you are a socialist who has truly researched your own viewpoint, go ahead and pull that lever, touch that screen or punch that card. I’m good with that.

My criteria for voting have nothing to do with red or blue. I only have to read each politician’s web site. On most, it is as easy as clicking the word “Issues.” I look at them all, even if I initially know I won’t agree. There are still insights to be gleaned from knowing your enemy.

After a basic issues inventory, I look for more subtle markers. Are there Bible quotes? Conservatives especially love to quote the Bible. Perhaps it’s reassuring for the family values crowd. But I prefer my church and state like I prefer my bathroom and my kitchen: separate. Not that I’d never vote for a religious candidate, but it goes in the cons list.

Another important detail I look for is statements about schemes to form committees for planning or researching. It’s all the rage right now to say you are for less government. Republicans often make this claim. Always look deeper. They still want to create new departments and structures yet they never disband the old ones, many of which are about as useful as your smallest toenail.

A third sign is encouragement of a small 1% sales tax or the words “value added”. These are usually ear-marked for school improvements or roads. You are made to feel like the devil if you don’t want to help the children. Be strong. Never ever vote yourself more taxes. It’s a lot easier to vote them in then vote them out. Spend the tax revenues that are already present more wisely. How about that?

One last thing to watch for is how each candidate tackles the current medical care issues. Democrats have seemingly inched away from declaring their support for Obamacare, leaving their true thoughts in doubt. This kind of waffling is a turn-off for sure. They don’t want to tell us what their approach will be if elected. If someone is afraid to share their true opinion, maybe it is a sign that person should re-examine his approach.

At any rate, after careful deliberation, I am mostly voting for Libertarians this year. There are a few exceptions, but I have to choose the opinions closest to my own. Some may feel I am ultimately wasting my vote. At least I am not guilty of putting evil into political office. I will not feed the machine. If every American remained true to his own personal principles when voting, the power would truly rest in the peoples’ hands and not with two political parties with consistent records of betrayal. It’s time to take the power back.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Weight Loss Observations

1. Feet Shrink – Everyone is different, but 50 lbs has been equal to half a shoe size for me. Other losers report the foot becomes narrower.

2. Head Shrinks – This one really surprised me. I had to readjust an old baseball cap after not wearing it for months. A smaller head physically is in no way representative of my current ego size.

3. Fiber Needed – Your body can go into a more conservative mode when eating less. Eat more fiber to counter the possibility of not “going.”

4. Clothing Budget – While you’re still working on losing, it is tempting to NOT buy new clothes since you may only be able to wear them for a month or so before you’re ready for the next size down. Instead, buy at least two pairs of pants for each size you lose. It will provide you with incentive to keep going when you see how amazing you look in the correct size. Ease the costs involved by shopping at a thrift store. Re-donate the clothes when you’ve “undergrown” them.

Monday, October 4, 2010

What Things Taste Like

A good friend of mine went hunting over the weekend and got himself an antelope. This left me wondering what does antelope taste like? A Google search turned up this handy cheat sheet.

What Things Taste Like

Thursday, September 30, 2010

A Reasonable Expectation of Privacy

I am concerned about privacy. It’s a first for me really. I’ve generally been discreet in my lifetime about other peoples’ secret confessions. I know what sort of information, when shared, should not be further passed on. Regarding my own sordid details, I’ve never been particularly worried. After all, who would really want to know about that stolen street sign that occupied my closet for years? There are much better things for law enforcement to do than track down a marginal offender. The paperwork alone would cost the city more than just replacing the sign (which is long gone by the way, so City of Jamestown PD should not bother to come looking for it).

Anyhow, my paranoid vs. carefree internal scale is becoming seriously off balance. Nothing earth-shatteringly horrible has happened to me personally (probably because I'm kind of boring), but there are plenty of examples of people being fired for a Facebook comment, spouses learning their partners are not as monogamous as they thought and adolescent-style arguments on the "walls" of the web sites of adults. And is there a social networking site or a technological device that HASN’T had a glitch that exposed private data?

No matter what point of view you possess on any singular topic, this is very alarming when considered collectively. How many of us are present in Youtube clips and don’t even know it? Are there satellite images of us picking our noses while driving? Who is collecting all this data anyway?

As much as I hate the idea of the invasion of my privacy, I have to admit I have been a willing conspirator in the dissemination of my own information. I use Facebook and my profile is not private. I am registered to use dozens of web sites, many of which I’m sure I’ve forgotten exist. I have helped all of these outlets collect my private information then I get irritated they use it. The biggest entity I have to blame for the invasion of my privacy is…me? That can’t be right!

In owning up to myself, I have a couple excuses.

1) It’s just too darn easy to share. Each comment I make, each picture I take is just an upload away (sounds like a song, doesn’t it?).

2) I get carried away with really neat-o stuff. See a cute little push-pin map of every location you’ve ever visited on this planet then display it on your home page. Whee! Fun!

Internet communications move so fast, we just don’t stop to think how quickly and where our information is going. Your data is seen real-time as you post it. You can delete it, but someone has likely seen it already. We type before thinking now and consider it casual conversation.

There are certainly more unobtrusive and more serious invasions of our privacy. We are on camera unknowingly for a large proportion of our lives as we work, as we drive, even as we relax with friends at a restaurant. Some of us are watched and listened to in our own homes whether by accident or design. We are violated by others even as we violate ourselves.

There’s not much we can do day-to-day about governments, businesses or other individuals intruding. That doesn’t make it right or allowable. I’m just saying maybe we should start with making ourselves less accessible to begin with. Well, then, I’m off to delete that Facebook profile just as soon as I publish my opinion in the form of a blog in the most public forum ever imagined. Who am I kidding?

Sincerely part of the problem,

Monday, January 11, 2010

Question of the Moment

Why do I sweat more in one armpit than the other?

The right armpit seems to get a lot more moist at times. I am right-handed, so maybe that arm just gets more exercise. I suppose mouse-clicking can get strenuous at times. Could it be a woman’s monthly cyclical issue? Is it possible to have more glands in one side or the other? I throw this query to the vast blogosphere.

Another Useless Blog has Arrived!

The Internet needs more blogs, right? Sure, like Jupiter needs more moons. Anyway, here I am spitting out yet another set of insignificant opinions and taking up space.

The purpose of my blog is to amuse myself. Also, it allows me to pretend I am a self-published author. (Yay, me!) Hence, any of my ideas that may be accidentally read by others in blogspace should be considered Not Applicable. Anything read here that seems helpful or useful in any way is completely unintended. Please feel free to be offended, pleased, bored, entertained, irritated or all of the above.