These immortal words were uttered in 1986 (or maybe 1985?) by a young girl describing a most unusual situation.
But let’s back up just a few minutes to see how the event unfolded.
The scene is a kitchen in the early evening. The fourteen-year-old is sitting in a chair at the kitchen table. Mom is on the phone. It’s a rotary wall phone in a lovely shade of mustard yellow. No one remembers who Mom is talking too, but all agree on the level of impatience in Girl’s general attitude.
“C’mom, Mom. When are we going?” the youngster questions repeatedly. The plan was to go to the mall, always an exciting time in a teenager’s life. But Mom’s conversation just seems like it will NEVER EVER end. Girl does what all kids do. She gets pouty. For some reason, Girl has two quarters in her right hand which she is rubbing together as if to start a money fire. Her left arm is across her body in “arms crossed” position. Girl leans back in her chair resting on the two back legs. She ignores all conventional wisdom about the germs on coins and sort of bounces said coins off her bottom lip. Girl loses her balance. Girls’s chair slides forward to its intended position of all four legs on the floor. One of the quarters Girl is holding slides straight back down her throat.
Now don’t get crazy. In the above flashback, Girl had no trouble breathing and was not in any immediate danger. However, the quarter did come to rest in a fixed position. Average human throat diameter is about one inch (possibly less in an immature female specimen). The diameter of a quarter is about ¾ of an inch. For reference, the quarter was stuck about halfway down the front of the neck.
Girl was quick to identify the issue to Mom. Mere moments later, the quarter scraped its way down to the base of the neck. Since Girl did not exhibit the universal sign for choking, Mom wrapped up her phone conversation normally before hanging up. By then, the quarter had settled squarely between Girl’s breasts and refused to budge.
“Does it hurt?” Mom asked.
“No,” Girl replied. “Wait, it is sort of starting to…irritate. Oh, God, get it out!”
Vrroom. Mom drove Girl to the hospital.
After being admitted to the emergency room, it was x-ray time and also the beginning of something more. An orderly gave instructions on positioning and listened to the story of how this odd event had happened. His comment?
“That’s kind of hard to swallow.”
Mom snickered.
The next part of the evening was a nightmarish blur. The reason for that was drugs. After reviewing the x-ray, a doctor decided the quarter had to come out the hard way. If it didn’t fit through the esophagus, it was not going to go quietly through the small intestines. Two substances were administered. One was Demerol. This immediately relaxed all of Girl’s muscles and the quarter dropped into her stomach. The doctor announced the stomach would now need to be vacuumed and provided the second drug. Girl did not catch the name of it, but it was a viscous liquid that numbed the throat on contact. Have you ever tried to swallow with a numb throat while on a mind-altering drug? Girl would advise against it.
At this point, Girl became disoriented. She did not know if she was swallowing or not, but she tried real hard. Apparently that worked because she had to swallow a crazy-big suction tube. The device pushed air into her stomach forcing her to belch. Then the suction would grab stomach contents and deliver them to the waiting doctors. It seemed like it took hours, but Girl had a skewed concept of time at that point.
At long last, the quarter was retrieved and there was much rejoicing. Mom took Girl home. Life returned to normal. Mostly.
Let’s fast forward a few days to the weekend at Dad’s house.
Girl is getting in Dad’s car to go out for ice cream/dinner/something random.
Dad says, “Wait a minute. I forgot something.” Dad goes back into the house and then returns.
Dad says, “Here. I brought you something.” He drops an object into Girl’s waiting hand.
He says simply, “Snack,” as Girl observes the quarter in her palm.
In addition to a year’s worth of flashbacks where Girl’s throat would suddenly go numb, Girl’s family was also relentless.
We’ll view one more example.
Mom, Brother and Girl are passing a vending machine. Brother starts searching his pockets before asking Mom for money. Mom says she doesn’t have any cash.
Brother asks Girl, “Hey, could you cough up some change?”
Fortunately, Girl saw the humor in the situation and was glad to provide her family with a bountiful supply of one-liners. And yes, she still has the quarter.
Picture credits:
Phone - tariqwest.tumblr.com
Chair - ths.gardenweb.com
Choking - cogitoergoblawg.wordpress.com
Quarter - usmint.gov
This is all true..I was there...I was the Mom!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA! I will have to remember that one.
ReplyDelete